"I can't wait to get out of this house." Door bangs.
Does this scenario sound familiar? I am sure that many parents have witnessed a similar scene with their teens - a hurricane of emotions and slamming of doors. It's a frustrating moment for any parent, hearing phrases like "You're the worst mother" or "Life is so unfair," especially when you believe you've done your best. I've been there, felt the blood boil as arguments dissolved into mud-slinging from both sides.
But over time, I've learned to navigate conflict with my teen without unnecessary drama. In this post, I am drawing from my own experiences and sharing some golden rules to follow to maintain a healthy, peaceful atmosphere at home.
Rule number one:
Keep your cool, no matter what. Trust me, I know how tempting it is to let frustration or anger take over, especially when your teen throws those disrespectful words your way. But here's what we need to understand: there's a whole lot brewing in that teenage brain, so, don’t take it personally. It is not about you. Instead, remind them, "Hey, it's not cool to use hurtful language," or "Let's keep it respectful, okay?"
If at any point, you feel your temper rising, make a swift exit. Leave the room, take a moment, listen to some music, count to ten (whatever works) until you're back in zen mode. Extend the same courtesy to your teenager as well. Give them time to calm down before you have a discussion.
Rule number two:
Never use ‘never’ ( or ‘always’). This has been challenging for me. I have caught myself using Never and always too often. ‘You never listen’, ’You never study’, ’You are always on your screens’, ‘You are always so rude!’. The moment you say that, the timeline of the discussion extends back to the time they were born. And your teen will, understandably, start proving otherwise.
Instead use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings at that present moment. ‘I feel so frustrated when you don’t listen’,’I haven’t seen you open your book yet today. Do you have a plan?’
A subtle shift in language can make a lot of difference in how your teen perceives the conversation and how they will take the discussion forward.
Rule number three:
Stay on course to problem-solve. It’s all too easy for these charged discussions to spiral into meaningless blame games and guilt trips. Just cut out all that noise and focus on the real issue. Make it clear to your teen that, 'we are solving 'this' problem now, so let's not get distracted.' Ask your teen for their perspective on the problem and how they think it can be solved. For instance, if you notice your teen spending a lot of time on screens, discuss finding a balance with their activities and encourage them to suggest ways to manage their time more effectively.
When the solution comes from your teen, they're more likely to follow through than if it comes from you.
Rule number four:
Listen patiently, actively and without judgement. As I mentioned earlier, the teen body and brain are undergoing lots of changes—hormones, emotions, everything is in flux. It is crucial to be patient with them and accept that their perspective may differ. While they might not always want to open up, those moments when they do are precious. I urge you to set everything aside, prioritize them, and truly listen. Your willingness to listen (without judgement) creates a safe space for your teen to share their feelings and also strengthens the bond that you have.